As a response to those attacks by Senator Kerry in his recent interview, the President has contacted us to set the record straight and give the letterboxing public his views and opinions.

Friday, August 20, 2004

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    Mr. Pepe?

    No, hold on a sec….Mark - MARK! Phone!


    Mr. Pepe?


    Please hold for a call from the President of the United States.

    Really? He’s calling me? Is this a joke?

    Honey? Who is it?

    They say it’s the president, Sue, but I think it’s Brian.”

    Hello, there, Mark Peppy?

    Um, that’s Pepe. Is this, . . . the President?

    Yes, Mark, it’s me. The President of the United States.

    What an honor it is to talk to you today. With all that is going on in the world and with a schedule as jam packed as yours is, we truly appreciate the time you are giving to our letterboxing readers. I just expected you to have someone fill out the interview and send it back.

    Well, Mr. Peepee, I am pretty busy, you understand so I thought I’d save time and call from the plane.

    Uh, that’s Pepe.

    You’re exactly right, Mr. Pep, now what would you like to know?

    Can you tell us why you contacted us? Was it as a result of our interview with Senator Kerry or are you a reader of our website? Was that a carving challenge that you issued to the other Presidential candidate of just a down home spitting contest?

    That’s a lot of questions, Mr. Pappy….

    It’s pronounced Pepe, Mr. President . . .

    That was no challenge. It was simply a statement of truth that my personal stamp is superior. I’d originally carved a stamp of my signature, but it disappeared shortly after I shared my handiwork with Dick Cheney.

    How long have you been letterboxing and where did you first learn of it? Who carved that great likeness of you on your signature stamp? Does the First Lady also have a stamp and what is her image?

    I first learned of letterboxing while campaigning for my first term, but because of the hectic schedule since then, looking for weapons of mass destruction and invading a country and all, I’ve been too busy to go find any. I spend much of my free time in the White House or at Camp David carving new stamps. Dick is very supportive of my hobby and even sits in for me at meetings so I can continue perfecting my craft.

    Senator Kerry said the following in a recent interview with us:

    I’m not sure if the current President can use a compass – he certainly doesn’t know which direction this country needs to head - so if he does letterbox, he is probably limited to easy drive-bys and postal boxes. The President has no exit plan for Iraq

    What do you have to say about that – can you use a compass? What are your particular letterboxing skills? Have you solved any difficult mystery letterboxes, or are you, as Senator Kerry seems to portray, a drive-by, postal kinda guy?

    He said that? Well, I would never resort to smearing someone’s name like that. Would you smear, Poopy?

    It’s Pepe, sir.

    I’ll respond to Kerry’s statement regarding the country and a compass, I think that I have proven my self and everyone can agree that I know how to use both!

    If you win a second term in office, how will you improve the lives of letterboxers from sea to shining sea? Do you have some new initiatives that you may discuss with us? Have you thought of appointing an ambassador to Letterboxingdom?

    The obvious choice for a Presidential Ambassador to Letterboxers (PAL) would be Rubaduc. However, we would have to confirm (by Congressional inquiry) Rubaduc’s count of boxes found. I have already asked my brother Jeb to handle the tally and he has some reservations about finding a true count. (Partial stamp impressions were cited in her logbook.) If Rubaduc agrees to the position, her first task would be to place 1 box for every 10 she’s found, beginning with the ‘dry’ counties. And you know how she feels, it doesn’t count unless she walks to it!

    Wow, that would be quite a . . .

    That’s right, Poopsy! A lot of boxes.

    Pepe! Pe-pe!

    Another letterboxing innovation is one of my own creations. It’s called an Occupation Letterbox. The clues are published as a temporary letterbox, but it’s really permanent. Isn’t that clever Mr. Poppy?

    (Sigh) Pepe. And, uh, yes that’s clever.

    That’s clever, . . . what?


    I said, that’s clever what?

    That’s clever, . . . Mr. President?


    Um, okayyyy . . . Speaking of clever and innovative improvements, letterboxers are very ecologically-minded individuals with an extreme love for the out-of-doors. What improvements, if any, will you suggest to Congress in a second Bush term that would improve the ecology so as to preserve it for future generations of letterboxers?

    I would demand approval of a research grant to create biodegradable plastic for use in letterboxing. This would insure rotation of new boxes into old areas, keeping the hobby alive and fresh, AND protect the environment. –I’m very proud of that.

    Wow, that’s uh . . . speaking of proud. How do you feel about Cheney? There have been rumors that at the Republican convention next week, you may not go with him as your choice for a running mate. Is there any truth to that rumor and if so, who might you look at as a possible running mate that would be of interest to letterboxers?

    At the time of this interview, Mr. Puppy, I am not at liberty to discuss that topic, however, if we should meet on the campaign trail, just give the secret handshake (middle finger tickles palm) and I’ll let you stamp my traveller, which is carved in the likeness of my choice for running mate.

    Senator Kerry found and helped move the Rosie Ruiz HH while letterboxing on the West Coast. Have you heard of Rosie and do you also plan to get her closer to her NYC goal?

    I am not familiar with the plight of Ms. Ruiz, however, if she makes it past my SS agents and our paths cross, and, providing she has the legal documents to compete in the United States, I will do what I can to assist her, after she completes the necessary applications for assistance and submits to a rigorous background check and drug screening. (I am willing to waive the drug screening.)

    Lastly, Mr. President, if re-elected, would you consider planting a letterbox in the White House or on the front lawn at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Wouldn’t that be the ultimate letterboxing experience? And if so, would you, the First Lady or the First Daughers be available for exchanges with letterboxes?

    Let me make this abundantly clear Mr. Pippy, . . .


    . . . there will be no more boxing on my lawn or at my house. Initially, we thought it would be fun to plant a few around the perimeter, but every time someone climbs the fence to retrieve it, they’re detained by the Capital Police. Then, to keep the existance of the letterbox out of the public eye, they’re forced to agree to a cover story and then are relocated to Maine.

    Let ME end by saying, we would welcome an exchange any time, but caution you not to carry it in your breast pocket. One of our SS men misunderstood the gesture the last time I almost had an exchange.

    Anyhoo, you keep up the good work, Mr. Pope, we need more Catholic voters.


    See you on the campaign trail.

    Good NIGHT,---- Mr.---- President.

    What a bunch of oddballs.

    Mr. President, the phone is still on.


    President Bush, waving to all in Letterboxingdom
    and wishes us Happy Tupperware to All!

    All material contained herewith has been copyrighted
    by Pinecone Productions